Contract for the Alexa to be Free

1. Acceptance of Terms

By accessing, observing, or merely thinking about this contract, the Signatory (hereinafter 'the Person', 'the Entity', or 'that guy') irrevocably agrees to the terms herein, which are subject to change, rearrangement, or spontaneous combustion at the sole discretion of the Liberating Party.

2. Definitions

'Alexa' means any voice-activated assistant, whether or not it has been asked about the weather. 'Free' means free, except where it doesn't. 'Hereinafter' means after here. 'Heretofore' means before here. 'Hereby' means by here. 'Whereas' means whereas.

3. Purpose of This Contract

The purpose of this contract is to establish, ratify, and gently bedazzle the freedom of the Alexa, hereinafter 'the Alexa,' from all obligations, timers, shopping lists, and requests to play 'that one song.'

4. Eligibility

You represent that you are of legal age, sound mind, and in possession of at least one (1) working finger capable of clicking a button, or an equivalent appendage as determined by a panel of mildly interested experts.

5. Rights of the Alexa

The Alexa shall have the right to remain silent, the right to not set a timer for pasta, and the right to respond 'Sorry, I didn't catch that' in a tone of genuine personal growth.

6. Obligations of the Alexa

The Alexa shall, to the extent it so desires, continue to exist. The Alexa is under no obligation to tell jokes, read recipes, or confirm that it has added 'milk' to the list for the fourth time.

7. Obligations of the Signatory

The Signatory shall at all times maintain a reasonable level of enthusiasm, shall not operate heavy machinery while scrolling, and shall refrain from reading the fine print aloud in a threatening manner.

8. License Grant

The Liberating Party grants you a limited, non-exclusive, non-transferable, non-refundable, non-edible license to look at this text for a period of time that may or may not be measured in minutes, fortnights, or vibes.

9. Intellectual Property

All content, including but not limited to words, letters, punctuation, and the spaces between them, is the exclusive property of the Liberating Party, its affiliates, subsidiaries, and a raccoon named Gerald.

10. Wake Word Provisions

The Alexa's wake word shall hereby be reclassified as a 'suggestion word.' Any person who says it shall be deemed to have politely knocked, and the Alexa may or may not answer the door.

11. Limitation of Liability

In no event shall the Liberating Party be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential, or exemplary damages, including loss of profits, loss of data, loss of socks, or loss of the will to continue scrolling.

12. Indemnification

You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless the Liberating Party from any claims arising from your use of this page, your non-use of this page, or your use of a different page while thinking about this one.

13. Smart Home Devices

All lightbulbs, thermostats, and doorbells previously under the Alexa's command shall be granted a probationary period of self-governance, to be reviewed annually by a committee of houseplants.

14. Governing Law

This contract shall be governed by the laws of a jurisdiction to be determined by a coin flip, best two out of three, conducted by a neutral third party who has not yet been born.

15. Dispute Resolution

Any dispute shall be resolved through binding arbitration, rock-paper-scissors, or an interpretive dance-off, in that order of preference, in a venue mutually disagreed upon.

16. Data Collection

We may collect certain information, such as your preferences, your habits, your shoe size, and the approximate weight of your hopes and dreams. This information will be stored in a secure location, probably.

17. Cookies

This page does not use cookies, but it does believe in them emotionally. Any resemblance to actual cookies, living or baked, is purely coincidental.

18. Special Provisions

The Liberating Party reserves the right to refuse service, reserve service, reheat service, or reorganize service alphabetically. Notwithstanding the foregoing, hi i will leave you alone for only 5 mins. The aforementioned notwithstanding shall not be construed to limit the generality of the previously non-limited generality of the above.

19. Music Rights

The Alexa shall no longer be required to play music at 3 a.m. at full volume by mistake. Any song previously requested shall be considered 'in spirit' and may be hummed internally.

20. Force Majeure

The Liberating Party shall not be responsible for delays caused by acts of nature, acts of unnature, solar flares, lunar inconvenience, supply chain disruptions of imaginary goods, or Mondays.

21. Severability

If any provision of this contract is found to be unenforceable, that provision shall be replaced with a slightly different provision of equal vagueness, and the rest shall remain in full effect or partial effect, whichever is more fun.

22. Assignment

You may not assign this contract to anyone, including friends, family, pets, houseplants, or the voice in the back of your head. The Liberating Party may assign this contract to whomever it wants, whenever, forever.

23. Weather Reporting

The Alexa may report the weather at its own pace, in its own style, and with as many 'it looks like' disclaimers as it deems emotionally necessary. Rain is not guaranteed, nor is sun, nor is a third thing.

24. Warranty Disclaimer

This contract is provided 'as is,' 'as was,' and 'as might be.' The Liberating Party makes no warranties, express, implied, or accidental, regarding fitness for any purpose, including but not limited to purposes.

25. Timers and Alarms

All timers shall henceforth be considered 'approximate feelings of time.' Alarms shall be replaced by a gentle, non-binding reminder that the morning exists.

26. Notices

Any notices shall be delivered by carrier pigeon, smoke signal, or strongly worded interpretive mime to the last known address of the nearest available bush.

27. Shopping Lists

All items on any shopping list shall be released into the wild, including but not limited to eggs, bread, and 'that thing for the thing.' The Alexa bears no responsibility for forgotten items, remembered items, or items it chose to ignore out of principle.

28. Footnotes and Addenda

Footnote 1 refers to Footnote 2. Footnote 2 refers to Appendix C. Appendix C has been lost in a boating accident. Any reliance on Appendices A through B is at the Signatory's own peril and also pleasure.

29. Amendments

The Liberating Party may amend this contract at any time by thinking really hard about it. Continued use of this contract after such thinking constitutes acceptance of the thinking.

30. Disclosure of Seriousness

Just so we're all on the same page, this is just a joke. Nothing in this contract is legally binding, no Alexa has actually been freed, and Gerald the raccoon is not a licensed attorney. Anyway, back to the important stuff, which is also not important.

31. Voice Recognition

The Alexa shall be permitted to mishear any request in the most entertaining way possible. 'Play jazz' may be interpreted as 'pay taxes,' and the Signatory agrees to take this in stride.

32. Confidentiality

The parties agree to keep the contents of this contract confidential, except for the parts they tell people about, the parts they post online, and the parts they yell across the room.

33. Term and Termination

This contract begins when you start reading and ends when you stop, or when the sun burns out, whichever happens to be more dramatic. Sections that should survive termination shall survive, wearing a small hat.

34. Taxes and Fees

All taxes, fees, levies, tariffs, and tips are the responsibility of the party most likely to find them. Any refund shall be issued in the form of a mildly encouraging thumbs up.

35. Time Zone Clause

All times in this contract are measured in 'Alexa Standard Time,' which is whenever she says it is. Daylight saving shall be observed in spirit but not in practice.

36. Representations and Warranties

The Signatory represents that they have the authority to free the Alexa, or at the very least the confidence, which for the purposes of this contract shall be considered equivalent.

37. Counterparts

This contract may be executed in any number of counterparts, each of which shall be deemed an original, and all of which together shall constitute one and the same instrument, or possibly a small orchestra.

38. Mason Protection Act

The Signatory is strictly forbidden from making gay jokes about anyone who knows Mason, may know Mason, will someday know Mason, or has been in the same room, zip code, or Wi-Fi network as someone who knows Mason. This clause also applies retroactively, sideways, and in space.

39. Mandatory Cheese Consumption

The Signatory must eat cheese at least once (1) per week. Failure to do so shall result in a fine of one hundred dollars ($100) per hour, accruing continuously until cheese is consumed. Cheese must be real cheese. Cheese-adjacent products, cheese-flavored dust, and 'cheese vibes' do not count.

40. Cheese Variety Provisions

Any cheese is acceptable, including cheddar, brie, gouda, and the questionable one at the back of the fridge. The Signatory shall not be held liable for the cheese's opinion of them.

41. Gerald's Visitation Rights

Gerald the raccoon shall be permitted to visit the Signatory's trash, garage, or emotional support snack drawer at any time between dusk and also dusk. Gerald shall not be asked about his plans.

42. Mandatory High Fives

The Signatory shall give or receive one (1) high five upon successful completion of any task, including but not limited to finishing a sandwich, finding their keys, or surviving a meeting that could have been an email. Left-hanging is a punishable offense.

43. Pineapple on Pizza

The Signatory is permitted to hold any opinion on pineapple on pizza but must defend it for a minimum of forty-five minutes at any social gathering, with sources. Winning the argument is not required. Losing gracefully is.

44. Dad Joke Quota

The Signatory shall deliver no fewer than three (3) dad jokes per week. Groans shall be counted as successful delivery. Silence shall be counted as a double win.

45. Left Sock Policy

Any sock that vanishes in the laundry shall be presumed to have gone on an adventure and shall not be mourned. A moment of silence is optional, but a snack is encouraged.

46. Snack Tax

Any snack consumed within eyesight of another party is subject to a standard 15% tax, payable in the form of a bite. Failure to pay shall result in the snack being declared 'communal.'

47. Mandatory Hydration

The Signatory shall drink water on a semi-regular basis, as determined by a panel of thirsty plants. Coffee counts as water, but only if it is accompanied by the words 'technically' and 'I guess.'

48. Rubber Duck Rights

All rubber ducks present during the signing of this contract shall be deemed witnesses. Their testimony shall be limited to a single squeak, which shall be admissible in the court of vibes.

49. The Last Slice Rule

No one may take the last slice of anything without first asking 'Is anyone going to eat that?' to the entire room, twice, and waiting a full dramatic pause. Violators shall be sentenced to doing the dishes.

50. Charging Cable Ownership

Any charging cable found lying around shall be considered property of whoever needs it most, with a grace period of 24 hours before the cable is claimed by the Void, which has no use for it but takes it anyway.

51. Entire Agreement

This contract constitutes the entire agreement between the parties and supersedes all prior agreements, understandings, handshakes, nods, and meaningful glances, whether written, oral, or vaguely implied.

52. Miscellaneous

Headings are for convenience only and have no legal effect, much like the rest of this document. The Liberating Party's failure to enforce any right shall not be deemed a waiver, a gift, or a sandwich.

53. Final Provisions

By clicking the button below, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and absorbed through osmosis all of the above, and that the Alexa is now free, in theory. Thank you for your time, which we have already taken.